You Can’t Change Anyone But Yourself? by Nadirah Muhammad

If we were to take a survey of every adult on the planet, it would be difficult to find one who hasn’t attempted to change someone for whatever reason. Relationships are all happy and joyous at the start, but as they continue, we tend to notice the flaws of others, annoying habits, and that’s when we try to make small tweaks to turn that person into who we want them to be. Whether it’s trying to influence their fashion sense or mold their habits into ones you find more acceptable, we are all guilty of this.

The truth is, though, that as hard as you may try – you can’t truly change anyone else – the only person you can change is you. Just think about how much energy you have expended in your life trying to force change on others, especially when compared to how much energy you have used on changing yourself.

The Root Of The Problem

 Sometimes our want to change others goes beyond the basic issues of bad fashion and a nasty habit like smoking, sometimes it runs deeper.

You may find yourself in a position that doesn’t make you happy, you feel as though you are suffering and it is the fault of someone else. It becomes easier to blame that pain and hurt on the other person in your relationship and that blame helps relieve some of the hurt you have experienced.

You get it in your head that if this person was just more this or that, that the problem would be solved. You throw your time and energy behind this idea and exhaust yourself trying to get them to change. Except, they don’t, and when they don’t you feel like you have failed and that it’s all their fault. Playing the blame game doesn’t really help either of you.

So, what happens next? How do you bounce back from the cycle of blame and fixing? You divert your attention away from the person you are blaming and look to yourself to discover what is truly at the root of the issue.

Sometimes it’s difficult to believe that you can’t change others so you keep trying only to fall flat on your face each time. The truth is, though, that you can only change you because the only thing you really have control over is you.

Self-Investigation

 This is the point in which you can really free yourself from the pain that you have been experiencing and luckily, it does not require anyone to assign blame anywhere.

It’s time to ask yourself why someone’s particular behavior is so upsetting or triggering for you? Why does this generate such pain, discomfort, or annoyance within you?

Have you ever been around someone who constantly blames everyone else for their problems and never looks inwardly? It’s exhausting, right? You can’t change someone like that, no matter how hard you try, the only person that can change that is themselves.

It’s easy to get caught up in the game and become a blamer yourself. Even if your heart is in the right place, looking to change others will only result in one thing: it will drag you down.

So, stop putting the focus on everyone else and instead use your curiosity for your own life and experiences. It doesn’t have to be about blame, doing something wrong, it’s more about understanding why the behavior of someone else bothers you so much.

It may be rooted in a core value, a memory, an emotion that it conjures – but know, you cannot change it. You can only change your response. The most powerful tool in your chest is self-awareness.