Nadirah Muhammad, LMFTA 01/24/2020

Follow this 4-step process to break the cycle of pain once and for all:

Our habits can help or hurt our relationships. For example, having a feeling that you have to be in control all of the times shows up in your relationship with your partner. Defeating habits don’t have to control you or your partner. The key is to recognize these defeating habits and move past the hurt and pain they have cause and discover joy in your relationship again.

1. Dig deep to locate the root of your pain. One question to help you start the process is to ask Why do you hurt others or allow them to hurt you? Use a mirror to look deep inside both your past and present to figure out the source of the pain. The root of your pain is unique to you, depending on your personal circumstances and how you “saw” them.
   
   
   • Look back at your childhood experience. In some cases, the source of the pain may have started during your childhood. You may have experienced childhood traumas or other negative experiences that continue to affect you in your adult life, including in your relationships.
     
     
   • Reflect on your previous or current relationship. You may also have sources of pain from previous failed relationships and friendships.
     
     
   • We often starts habits when we’ve encountered a major life change. It’s also possible for other things to create pain, such as illnesses, mental health issues, relocations, and career transformations.
     
     
   • One way to explore your pain in a safe environment is with a therapist. Therapy may be helpful to help you find these events or past situations, understand them, and learn to think of them in ways that don’t negatively affect you today.
     
     
2. You can heal the cycle of pain by learning to forgive yourself first; then others. This is not always easy, yet, it does stop the pain. Learn to forgive. It’s easy to get caught up in a cycle of blame and guilt, but forgiveness is the key to breaking the cycle. Learn to forgive yourself and others.
   
   
   • If you’re always feeling hurt and resentful, it’s difficult to move on and change. However, forgiveness is crucial to the healing process. Without it, you may not be able to break the cycle of pain in a relationship.
     
     
   • Forgiveness provides perspective and ways to look at the issues in a different way. It gives you the opportunity to heal the heart and spirit.
     
     
3. Your circle of influence impacts how you treat yourself and others. You may need to look for new role models. Are your current role models an effective source of inspiration for overcoming pain? It may be beneficial to find some new role models. Who do you admire, and who can serve as an example of being able to break the cycle of pain?
   
   
   • You may want to look at your close circle of friends and family for role models. You can also search beyond this network and look for role models among famous people or celebrities.
     
     
   • Past and present figures can be a source of inspiration for healing and building a positive, uplifting relationship.
     
     
4. Scholars says it takes 21-days to change a habits. Change to positive, helpful thinking and behaviors. One of the issues of the cycle of pain is that you learn to use a preponderance of negative behaviors and thought processes.
   
   
   • Negative behaviors and thinking can include feeling like a victim, blaming others, and having dysfunctional relationships. They can also include being destructive or defensive all the time.
     
     
   • Switching your behavior and thinking patterns to interactions that are more positive can help.
     
     
   • Instead of reacting to pain with a defensive attitude and crying, consider reshaping the thoughts and behavior to one where you’re more in control of your feelings. For example, you can react by stating how you feel without framing it like a victim.
     
     
   • It’s important to remember that your reactions and behaviors can either alleviate the cycle of pain or make it worse. Plan in advance some things you can say or do that can help your situation rather than make it worse. Then, when such situations arise, follow your plan for more positive interactions.

Is it worth to continue to experience hurt and pain every day from unhelpful habits? The cycle of pain and hurt can be difficult to break in a relationship. However, it’s possible to move out of this cycle. Practice this process to help transform your relationship to one that supports you.