Effective Communication: ‘I’ Messages Fact Sheet

Effective communication skills can improve the dynamics of your relationships, at home and work. 

By using the word ‘I’ you are taking responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and beliefs, for example “I feel irritated and taken for granted when I have to do all of the housework.”

‘You’ messages make others feel they are being blamed or attacked. This often sends the message that others are responsible for your feelings or reactions. “You never help with the housework.”

‘I’ messages are particularly effective in raising concerns and communicating praise. 

Raising Concerns

• People need to know that their needs, wants, and desires matter.
• Most people don’t enjoy hearing something negative about themselves.
• We need to express our concerns in a gentle, respectful, and specific way.

Praising Others       

• People like to know when they have done something that makes someone happy.
• When people know what they did that you like, it increases the chances they will do it again.

There are different ways of communicating with ‘I’ messages.

I feel ___________________________ (identify your feelings) when ______________________ (describe the situation/behavior).  For example, “I feel very loved and appreciated when you do extra chores, like feeding the cats when I am tired.”

When __________________ (describe the specific behavior/situation) I feel ________________

(say how youfeel or were affected).For example,“When we get calls that our bills aren’t being paid on time, I feel anxious and scared.”

To make a request, add:

“In the future, I would like (would you please, can we, etc.) ______________________________.”

“When we get calls that our bills aren’t being paid on time, I feel anxious and scared. Can we please talk about ways to balance the budget?” 

Practice using ‘I’ messages in your conversations about things that are not emotionally charged. As you feel more comfortable, combine this skill with active listening and paraphrasing.

In this example, it would be: “You are concerned about how we are managing the budget and want to talk about ways to get the bills paid on time. (Paraphrasing/active listening) I have been worried about late fees, too. Let’s sit down with the bills and talk about it.” (‘I’ message)

It is okay to say ‘you’ when paraphrasing, as the listener is repeating back what the speaker is saying, not making his/her own statement.    

Contact me for help with communication: nadirah@nadirahmuhammad.com or giftedfamilyinstitute@gmail.com